Goodbye, Brownie...

As I'm writing, I'm still pretty upset. I don't know where should I leash out my sadness and anger. Been crying for this past 2 hours. But it just doesn't solve anything.

So, this is the story of Brownie. A puppy from the stray dog that me, my sis, and her husband have been feed and taking care of. The day when she was born, she had 5 siblings. Couple of days after that, 1 of them died. Probably because it was too weak. Then 5 of them survive. We watch them closely. We put them on a wooden box. We make sure that they are okay.

They grow up so fast. And it's been 1 month since the day they were born. One puppy catch my attention is the brown one. In fact, she's the only brown from the rest. So does my mom, my sis, my brother in law, all of us are fall in love with her.
My mom told me, "Let's named her Brown!". Then I think "Brownie" sounds cuter. So I decide on my own to call her Brownie.

Because they live outside the house, on the street, they're still pretty stink. My plan is to wait until Brownie is about 3 months old, then take her for a bath, then put her inside out house.
But I have no heart to do it, because I see Brownie liked to play in pack with her sisters and brother.
How if I separate her, then she keep on crying? Or the mom will looking for her? I just couldn't take her right away like this. Not in this condition. So I'll just wait, I said to myself.

Tonight, three of us (me, my sis and her husband) went out for dinner. When we got home, mom told us Brownie got hit by a car, and died immediately. At that time, I didn't want to believe it, I still don't want to believe it. But it's the truth. I went to the street, and saw only 4 of them now. And they already buried her few meter from our house.
I don't know what to say. So I start to cry. Cry and cry.

I asked the people outside (they are the night watch), who hit her. They told me it was our neighbor's car.
Now, I don't really know who's to blame because I didn't see it. But if it's true, then this accident marks the long list of my somewhat problems with my neighbor.
I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel empty at the same time.
Then I go outside to see the rest of the puppies. I pet them one by one. As I put my hand on their body one by one, I started to cry again. I just can't believe, out of the pack, I can't see Brownie anymore.
I feel it's just never be the same anymore without Brownie, my favorite.

I really want to find the culprit/ Probably throw some rocks at his car. Or do something bad to his dog. But at the end, I just blame myself. Why didn't I put her inside sooner? Why? Why? Why?

Rest in peace, Brownie. Goodbye. I hope your last minutes was not painful. And I hope you are happy now. You'll be missed badly.